Xander Kills the Cheese Man
by Lauderdale
Summary: The Cheese Man from 'Restless' is invading the Scoobies' dreams. Again. When they find out what his intentions are they send Xander to bring him down.


A/N: This is a one shot. This is not supposed to make sense. This is me trying to kill the cheese man once and for all.

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all that crud. They own it. No touchy.

* * *

**AT THE MAGIC BOX**

Hey, Buffy.

Hey, Willow.

You okay?

Fine. I just...had a nightmare.

Uh oh. Did this nightmare include creepy first slayers that talk with their thoughts and run around in loincloths trying to kill us? 'Cause if so, I'm not lovin' it...

Nah. I dreamed about the cheese guy. It--he makes no sense. He's senseless...but it still gave me the wiggins, y'know?

Dairy Fairy? Yep, he was definitely creep–worthy. But does it mean anything? Is this some kind of prophetical message warning us about cheddar danger?

I heard cheddar.

Hey, Xander. Buffy had cheesy dreams of the Swiss king.

Oh. That guy. I was kind of hoping to leave him in the distant past locked up in my dream basement with a group of lactose intolerant prison wardens, but what the hey. So what happened in your dream?

Nothing much. Well, it wasn't like he was trying to kill me or anything like that. He just smiled. And talked about cheese. Really, I dunno why it bugs. Don't worry about me.

Well, if you're sure...

Very.

Hi, guys.

Hello, Tara. Ooh, pizza!

Yep. Oh, Buffy, they didn't have enough Canadian bacon so I just ordered up one with extra cheese. I hope that's okay.

Yeah...you know, I think I'll pass on this one. Giles wanted to talk to me about some apocalypse thingy on the fifth moon of the blah–dee–blah. You guys go ahead and eat mine.

Buffy, have I ever told you I love you?

Yes Xander. Almost as much as you love my pizza. Which is why you are so totally my butt monkey.

'Ay! Don't forget, sleepover at Willow's. Popcorn and snuggles and...maybe a little lesbian peep show from two of my bestest friends?

Dream on, Xander.

A guy can wish.

I'll be there.

Okay. See ya later, Buffster.

Was there something wrong with cheese?

Oh, no, it wasn't your fault, Tara. Buffy's just a little jittery around the mozzarella these days.

**THAT NIGHT**

Harry Potter?!

What? Everybody needs a magical boy wizard in their lives...okay, I did not just say that...anyway, Wills, Harry Potter's got nothing on you. You're still my favorite little conjurer of the dark side around.

Aaw...you mean that? That's sweet of you, Xander.

I try.

**LATER IN THE MOVIE**

Follow the spiders?! Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?!

You okay, Tara?

Wha? Oh, yeah. I just have spider fear. N-Nothing really, it's just...oh, my!

Here. Take Mr. Gordo.

Thank you Buffy.

This is so NOT scary. I'm old enough to watch kiddy PG movies and not get scared. Not that it's a bad thing, Tara, I'm just saying, you know, I'm mature. Like that spider...it's so fake, you can totally tell that it's--gah!

Would you like Mr. Gordo too, Dawn?

Give me the pig.

**FIVE MINUTES LATER THEY FALL ASLEEP**

I have the best of cheese, and I have the worst of cheese.

You again! Ick. What's your purpose, anyway?

Get caught between the cheese in New York City.

Song. Wrong song. It's the moon. The moon is not made out of ch–- Oh, I get it. You think you're so smart. With your weird cheese talk.

Buffy.

Xander! Where are we?

Basement. Again.

And Willow? Tara? Dawn?

Dawn's coming. It's not her time yet. Willow and Tara are in there.

That's a small box.

It's a shoebox.

Are you in there?

Buffy! Have some cheese.

Okay.

**THEY WAKE UP**

Did everybody see that? Er, dream that?

Yeah...

What do you think he wants?

That's just it. The guy's like, obsessed with cheese. But he doesn't seem like he wants anything. He has no purpose.

Is that a bad thing?

Why is he hanging around our dreams?

Wait a second! I remember...the text.

Thanks, Wills. Could you vague that up for me?

The cheese man is a wandering demon. He drifts through the minds of humans and feeds off their dreams. When he gets enough energy he can become fully realized, released from the dream world to do as he wishes.

Well, that's no danger, right? He'll just be...a crazy guy wandering the streets with his cheesy philosophy.

Actually, no. He must kill the people whose dreams he fed off of, as they are the ones who can banish him back into his dimension.

What could he possibly kill us with? Bologna and friends from the lunchtime crusades?

Cheese grater.

Right.

So how do we get rid of him?

There was a case...once, he tried to feed off of a little girl's dreams, but was stopped because she also happened to have nightmares about rats. Dream rats drive him away.

But no one here is frightened of rats...

What? What are you all staring at?

Xander. You--you're afraid of...

Oh no. No! No, remember my 'no more butt monkey' speech? Well, it takes effect as of right now.

And remember my Willow Resolve Face? It has taken effect ever since elementary school.

Oh, come on! Give me a break! I mean, I'm not even sleepy...

Please, Xander. Do this for us. We'll wake you up if we see something wrong. But you're the only one who can pull this off.

I--but--oh, shoot. You know I can't resist your wily Willow charms...fine then. FINE THEN. But if I wake up seriously dead then believe me, I'll come back for you and you'll...wake up seriously dead.

Thank you, Xander. We'll watch your back.

Right. So, anyone got some Tylenol P.M.?

There's no time for that. Cheese guy's probably gathering the energy already from our last nap.

Well, I can't just fall asleep at will.

I know. Buffy, punch him.

Wha?!

I'm really sorry, Xander.

But--

BAM!

**XANDER IS ALONE WITH CHEESE GUY**

To cheese or not to cheese is the question.

Hey! I know you're evil. And--I'm gonna stop you. Any second now...

Cheese Louise, my darling.

Okay. I'm officially scared of you. Happy now? I'm scared of you! Just--whoa. Not as scared as I am of HIM. Ahh! Help me! Wake me up! Wake me up!

**CHEESE MAN TURNS AROUND AND IS SURPRISED, RIGHT BEFORE HE IS EATEN BY A MONSTER MICKEY MOUSE**

Wake me up! Get me out of here! Wake-–

Xander. You're up. You're okay.

Oh God.

Is he dead?

Yes. Very. He was...eaten. Did I already say 'Oh God'?

Aaw, I'm sorry. Was it that horrible for you?

Those...gloves. Those...ears. I barely escaped!

Well it's all over now. And you saved us and there will be major Xander pampering in your future.

There better be. Did I mention that I am NOT everybody's butt monkey anymore?

Yes Xander. No butt monkey treatment, we promise.

Well just a little...

Hey!

Just kiddin'.

**THE END**


End file.
